WMDs, Listerine, and Lysol

From a friend in Iraq. Retired Navy ship driver

Tales of the first rate contractor support in Iraq


During my first two months in Iraq, I had the distinct “pleasure” of living with one of L-3 GSI’s finest analysts (aka Ted ). Ted moved in the humble abode/rat-infested KBR trailer first, lugging a large AAFES bag full of Listerine Bottles. At first believing Ted to be an oral hygiene fanatic, I soon discovered that the Listerine (Regular Flavor) was for drinking as an adult beverage. In the days and weeks that followed, I was typically greeted with the site of Ted quaffing several shooters of Listerine upon my return from work. On one cold January night, Ted took me into his confidence and related the story of how he had recently downed two large bottles of Listerine and passed out after being scorned by a “young lass”. During this time I also theorized that Ted was contemplating a conversion to Islam, as he showered only once every 4-5 days. Attempts on my part to give Ted free soap, towels, and other cleaning materials failed, with the sole exception of Lysol, which he frequently and liberally sprayed on his crotch and other areas to “stop the itching”. Ted also had at least one imaginary “friend” living in the room, as he liked to hold lucid conversations with someone in the middle of the night, waking me from an otherwise sound sleep.



Ted also had certain quirks in the work place as a Senior Analyst. He was bounced around to four jobs/teams in 8 weeks and suffered from such minor shortcomings as not being able to use basic computer programs. In the true spirit of “we exist at the nipple of the American Taxpayer”, L-3 GSI continued to shop Ted around to these teams, instead of conducting the necessary “mercy flush” and firing Ted for incompetence. In the end, the ONLY reason Ted was fired by L-3 GSI was the shocking discovery that Ted did not possess the necessary Security Clearance to be a Senior (or any other type) Analyst in the first place! This revelation caused a huge “duck and cover” kabuki dance among various commands and companies, to the point that: “NOONE was responsible for this ever so minor Security Violation, and blame was successfully shifted to everyone else”.

Prior to Ted’s departure from Iraq, I learned that his true desire was to teach Sniper Avoidance Training to “those young lads fighting in Baghdad”. He also claimed that in his previous job with the U.S. Government he had proven where all of Saddam’s WMD was hidden, and that there was a vast Government conspiracy to silence him. Fortunately, I was able to confirm that Ted was not converting to Islam, because in his last days here, he took to wearing a large cross on the outside of his jacket and calling everyone “brother”.

The first Spook I ever saw in 'Nam was up at Quang Tri combat base. The guy wore jeans and had a handlebar moustache that stuck out about 6" on each side and carried a Swedish K. He smoked reefer the way the rest of us smoked cigarettes and when he had to urinate, he would just stop and piss regardless of where he was at. He would pull out a joint, fire it up and laugh and say he had a get out of jail card. His laughter sounded much like a jackass braying. With age and some degree of maturity (my inner monologues are not nearly as coherent and rational as Tom's) and in retrospect, the braying jackass analogy is an apt one and one wonders about the quality of his assessments. At the time however, we all thought he was pretty cool.