Best Staff War Stories

[120mm]

Perhaps Steve Metz could divine a good war story from the late, great Harry Summers since Steve's office at the AWC is Harry's old office. I think that is totally cool. The closest I can get to that is that my office on the first floor of Thayer Hall on the west side of it probably had Patton and his horse ride over the same spot when it was a horse riding stable back in the day.

My staff war story, unlike Schmedlap, but like other old staff hands like Tom Odom and Ron H, I have lots of time on staff. Let's see; OK, I remember in the BCT Toc when I was BCT XO in OIF1 in Tikrit within days after he took command we briefed LTG Sanchez on current operations. I remember him being really good with numbers, much better than me, but fortunately the Bde 3 was a lot smarter than I was and briefed the General and handled his numbers questions pretty well.

LTG Sanchez WAS pretty good with numbers. But sometimes he seemed a little challenged with "reality".

We were briefing him with a series of slides, and it always amazed us with how he was able to "zoom in" on a number as the slides whipped by him. But one day, we found out mere moments before the briefing started that one number was not correct. So, when the slide flipper (not me that day, thank God) got to that slide, he made a special point to mention that the numbers on the flatracks returned for the PLS was incorrect, the actual number was "umpteen" instead of "gazillion". Of course, LTG Sanchez zoomed right in on the "gazillion" number, and started grilling everyone in effective grenade range on why that number was "gazillion", despite being corrected every single time, that the "gazillion" number was misreported, and was not correct.

Between that and the constant input on slide color, I developed a certain dislike for the good LTG.

[Ken White]

was getting briefed on something as down in the weeds and stupid at his level as the number of flatracks but I know the answer:

We've lost our cotton picking minds and the inmates are in charge...

Sheesh...

[120mm]

was getting briefed on something as down in the weeds and stupid at his level as the number of flatracks but I know the answer:

We've lost our cotton picking minds and the inmates are in charge...

Sheesh...

Actually, it's as simple as the Corps ran out of flatracks, because units were dumping them in the desert and leaving them. Same thing with shipping containers. Evidently, "real men" don't backhaul empty flatracks....

[Ken White]

There used to be a simple fix for that sort of stuff -- which is as old as war -- and it didn't need to involve a Corps Commander, who was told without numbers or naming units merely that it appeared to be the beginning of a potential problem and lower echelon Commanders fixed it before it got there...

[120mm]

There used to be a simple fix for that sort of stuff -- which is as old as war -- and it didn't need to involve a Corps Commander, who was told without numbers or naming units merely that it appeared to be the beginning of a potential problem and lower echelon Commanders fixed it before it got there...

Agreed. There is/was a definite lack of people held responsible for their lack of leadership.

Several of the active duty folks responsible for these kinds of failures were 'gently' moved to other responsibilities to allow more capable reserve officers to try to fix it, and then 'gently' moved back into the job just prior to the end of their rating periods, so they could get their "1" block.

As one of those reserve officers who took over a job from an active duty officer one grade my senior, I have since developed a healthy chip on my shoulder vis-a-vis the active component's officer corps.

[Ken White]

Sorry way to do business. Had it not been for the Guard and Reserve in DS/DS, logistic failure would've virtually been guaranteed.

Both the then Chief of staff and the then DCSOPS tried -- very stupidly, IMO -- everything in their power to avoid a callup. Abrams had outsmarted 'em

We really need to repair that AC/RC disconnect, it's every bit as dangerous as the conventional force / SOF disconnect. Both are wrong and both need fixing.

[AdamG]

As a NG Divison Cavalry Squadron S2, I watched the S4 write out a resupply message requesting amongst other things "50,000 gallons of cottage cheese and three lederhosen", just to prove to the Squadron commander that no one at G level was reading our reports.

The request, in it's entirety, was approved...

Grafenwohr WARFIGHTER, April 1999

Playing the part of the night shift BDE S2 (with someone else's NG Division), we were doing better than projected against a quasi-Iraqi OPFOR. I watched a young RA 2LT LNO (1st ID, IIRC) updating his Commander: "Sir, they're not like us... they're playing music and ordering pizza to the TOC. I don't know exactly what they're doing or how they're doing it, but it's working".

*snicker*

Fort Drum, summer 2000
As SQD S2, I laid out a Route Recon lane for the Scout Platoons. The PSGs in A Troop were both older (the oldest pushing 50), so I got an MRE box and set it under a bridge along the route. In laundry pen, it was labeled WHEELCHAIR PARTS. I'd also made up some the Blair Witch Project icons (out of W2 wire and straight branches, knitted togethor at the last Command & Staff meeting), which I hung in the trees just short of the bridge. See http://www.lovefilm.com/lovefilm/ima...2132-large.jpg

About two hours later, "Black 2, this is Red 4. Spot reports follows. Possible Satanic activity and age discrimination, vicinity A003..."

Same time period: an Infantry Battalion insisted on making up their own interpretation of the SOI and using the code page for how many days they had been at AT (rather than which day of the month it was, 1 thru 10). This put them on our Squadron push, and they failed to listen to reason.
The S3 gave me permission to chase them off our frequency, so it became a training opportunity (section drill, how to do your own MIJI mission). Every time they started to broadcast, we transmitted the Volga Boatmen song (track 8 on this very CD http://www.amazon.com/Cossacks/dp/B0000058FS) from our CD player (as well as rude comments in mock-Russian accent) until their TOC finally whimpered "All such-and-such, switch to alternate frequency".

[Happyshooter]

We really need to repair that AC/RC disconnect, it's every bit as dangerous as the conventional force / SOF disconnect. Both are wrong and both need fixing.

I got a call up for Clinton's reelection and got sent to Germany as an MP. The actives hated us. The AD troops were one man to a room, they put us two in the cruddy barracks with the active guys they were throwing out (the losers were, of course, one to a room).

They were screwing with us every chance they got. They stuck us on twelves and made us fix stuff up for the active troops in the BSB, they used to bitch at us and threaten us every day. They had a change of command and made us march in it so their guys could party instead. Every little crap detail they could invent they did.

I really took a dislike to active army officers after that little joy trip. Those guys should be making general right about now, which....

[120mm]

When I was a young Squadron S2, our Staff SGM once sent a newly-minted 96B E-5 out to find "soft-spots" on the armor of the M577. He gave him a ball-peen hammer and a piece of chalk, of course, but right after he left, the BDE CDR, a COL Ferrea (4th BDE, 3ID circa 1989) showed up unexpected. COL Ferrea was a bulldog, who was doing his "thing", and we'd forgotten all about the good SGT, until the tapping of the hammer started to be heard, followed by the squeak of chalk.

Our NCOs were turning a shade of purple, and COL Ferrea glared at me and said, "1LT, what the hell is going on here." Staff SGM had mercy on my tender soul, and nervously told the good COL about the 96B SGT, and the COL got the most evil twinkle in his eye, and excused himself. He confronted the SGT, and asked him what he was doing. The SGT decided to cover his ignorance of armored vehicles by "making #### up" to explain what he was doing, which was hilarious.

Later on in my career, in my first Troop Command, I had a TOC daddy that was a freaking genius. He kitted out our TOC like the Taj Mahal, complete with a full kitchen, stereo, and all the amenities of home. Unfortunately, the Squadron and higher staffs started figuring out that meal time around our Troop TOC would be the optimal time to "inspect" us, and obtw, they would graciously accept the fine meal my TOC Daddy had prepared. So.... initially, he would only give the grid location "offset", so that only Troop personnel would find it. This didn't last long, so he enacted "Operation Friskies". He went to Aldi's, where he purchased a flat of cat food, and a flat of potted meat, and swapped the labels, throwing away the cat food.

The next few times that Staff types showed up to "inspect" at meal times, they would pop a couple of cans of "cat food" which they'd be eating by the time the Staffer made it through our perimeter. Of course, my TOC Daddy would always be gracious enough to offer a can to the Staffer, saying that "Hey, this stuff is only 17 cents at Aldi's, and most of the cans are pretty good!!!"

I have more, but I gotta go back to work....