Fort Bragg (August 2005-August 2006)

I am not sure where to even start. My story will seem unbelievable to some even though I do not embellish. Sometimes I wonder if it really happened. Maybe it was all a bad nightmare. How the hell did it come to this? Then, I pick up a newspaper and see that after eight years, Bin Laden is still free, our financial markets are in turmoil, and we are engaged in two protracted wars in southwest Asia. It seems maddening, but it is not a dream. We were wrong.

Sometimes I wonder if Thomas Jefferson and John Adams are tossing in their graves. Some of the founding fathers were skeptical of the social experiment of democracy working in the United States much less being forced upon another society. In truth, democracy is neither a predestined inalienable right endowed by our creator nor is it an ends to a means. Rather, it is a gift to be earned and cherished. Those are not my words; they flow throughout the Articles of Confederation and the Federalist Papers.

These realizations dawned not through the burning bush of divine providence, but through the unforgiving observations collected through my years engaged in the bloody, muddy, hands on work of counter-insurgency. I found it ironic that I devoted the majority of my twenties trying to rebuild a society that never existed, chasing an imaginary enemy that we accidently invented, fighting a non-religious war that was indeed religious, and attempting to control the hearts and minds of another culture when my country could not control her own erratic impulses. I was perplexed.

In some twisted sense of political correctness, we attempted to dumb down the nature of war repackaging it into nightly Orwellian sound bites for Fox News. Unfortunately, the editing process edited out the more important parts- things like honoring the dead by allowing the country to pay homage to their final trip home. Redeploying home in between tours, I observed a United States that I no longer understood- consumerism turned to gluttony, capitalism to greed, religion with no God, freedom overtaken by fear. The racing thoughts clouded my brain and unnerved my inner core. I was angry.

Is everything really different or was it always this way? Clinical psychologist call it compartmentalized psychosis, a temporary insanity. I was misdiagnosed once, but mainly because I was drunk, and I told the doctor that he was the crazy one. New Rule Number 541- No drinking 24 hours prior to a psychological evaluation. You will lose. Just trust me on that one.

In the Army’s Search, Evasion, Resistance, and Escape (SERE) course, one is taught indirect methods to surviving captivity as a prisoner of war. One is never to be the aggressor or act tough. The best course of action is to appear weak and submit. Only then can one remain strong. I should have paid more attention to the advice those instructors tried to impart on me; however, I’m much too stubborn to listen to others at times. Typically, I learn through blunt trauma rather than mindless repetition.

I’m getting off track. It is far too early to start sharing my haunting concerns, feelings, and personal limitations. Anyways, if I tell the story right, my thoughts will resonate through without me dictating what you should or should not think. More importantly, I hope to share the confusion and disheveled feelings this war extracted on our soldiers. Furthermore, I am very much aware that I could be wrong; it wouldn’t be the first time.

Throughout this tale, you will hear from a disgruntled, sarcastic, and indignant young captain. I will curse, judge, and at times appear quick tempered. Don’t be fooled. This tale is not so much a story of who I was, but a hat that I had to wear. To be an effective combat commander, one must master the art of “fight or flight.” During this period, I acted in a way that would scare my Sunday school teacher and my mother. My granny would cry watching the transformation. I acted in this way to stay alive and complete my mission. War changes men. No one is innocent in war.

In the narrow, precise world of academia, this story should be considered an inductive case study on humanity, economics, psychology, politics, religion, diplomacy, and war- all the essential ingredients of a refined counter-insurgency brew. For now, I’ll stick to that line of thought. Bear with me, it is about to get exciting. I’m going to take you to a place that you can hardly fathom, much less comprehend. For the sake of our children, I believe it is time to share. First, you have to step out the door.