mTBI, PTSD and Stress (Catch All)

[MikeF]

Initially, I did not know where this would lead.
Just one long brutal honest conversation.
Throughout this process,
I found the true meaning of Easter.

Not just turkey, yams, and jellybeans
I found love
As my wise counsel told me
This has to be done

So here it is….
further psychotherapy in my own controlled environment.
now, the soldiers voice.
Don’t make another generation suffer in silence

This is why I did what I did.
I had to give up trying to fix this stuff myself.
Now, y'all have everything you need to solve the problem.
Thus validation -Mike

Sir, thanks for saying what most won't...

Michael, thanks for sharing what we can't comprehend.

Sir,

It has been interesting reading your notes. I did not realize how much your time in the service has cost you. Reading about you spending time in jail for being drunk was somewhat a shock, but not entirely unbelievable.

Many of the people that came back showed signs of great stress in their lives, even if they were not in positions of great responisibility. Soldier 1 tried to kill himself several times (Soldier 2 and I had to pull him in from Atlanta traffic one night), Soldier 3 lost it on some woman trying to recall him for IRR, I nearly killed a kid in the barracks one night for simply talking bad about 5/73. Almost everyone bought guns when we came back. Shootings in the barracks quad happened many weekends with bullet holes being found in B Troop barracks. Some were so close to my window that I found myself dropped to the floor in reaction.

I know that both Soldier 2 and I found solice in talking to veterans from previous wars. I linked up with old paratroopers from Vietnam through various groups and they were very helpful in bringing me back into the right.

I did not know it at the time, but A Troop, and all of 5/73 were hard men. Some of the things we experienced, even after you left, seemed almost normal at the time, but when put against the background of other units as I have now been able to do, I see that there was nothing normal about it.

One of the examples I like to think of is the jundi we worked with in Zag and beyond. At first there was much distrust of Major Aziz's men amongst the lower enlisted, and the jundi mistrusted us too. Slowly, through months of shared guard duties a bond began to form. As the local threat began to target the jundi as much or more than us, that bond deepened. I remember one day after an ambush had seriously wounded a jundi, their SGM was questioning a detainee. The detainee was being flippant. Most of the patrol base had seen the wounded jundi, missing his lower jaw, medevaced out. The IA SGM hauled off and backhanded the detainee. At this, the entire patrol base erupted in cheers. Of course the SGM was quickly brought under control and many of the troopers signed at that as well. In that moment I realized how much we had all changed. No longer were we soldiers and jundi, Americans and Iraqis. For all our differences we had become one- as we talked, fought, and bled together. The Americans weren't cheering the simple act of a beating- they were showing support of the jundi that had become battle brethern.

At Zag, I always chose the East Gate guard position. The jundi there got to know me very well and eventually gave me a nickname, told me stories about their families, and adopted me. As a compliment, many would loudly proclaim me Iraqi and I made many friends there.

And yet, in Iraq I learned hate. Real hate, not the kind that gets so easily tossed around as in when someone talks about displeasing things.

The first time I ever shot at another human was in the fields of Turki village. In some ways I think killing is like sex- an intense, immensely personal affair, and the first time you go about it you aren't very good at it.

There in the fields of Turki I changed as a person. The rest of the Diyala campaign was nothing more than an infant learning the ways of the world as a new man grew in place of the old one.

I suppose this email is a ramble of disjointed thoughts. Lately I have been thinking very hard about Iraq, terrorism, and the future. This tour is drawing to a close, as is my time in the military. My struggle now is to find some application of the knowledge gained over the last two years to do something progressive. As well, the struggle to come back to the social norms of America are filling my thoughts. My reactions to things that offend me are still those of violence, held in check by mental thought and not reaction. Just tonight I put on the gloves and beat up a connex while working out issues from things earlier in the day. Sometimes coming home is not so easy a road, and the longer you spend away from home, the farther that road becomes.

Anyway, happy Easter and I look forward to reading more of your story.

[MikeF]

As Delivered

5-73 Cavalry “Headhunters” Ball Remarks

LTG William B. Caldwell, IV

071129

Throughout my thirty one years of service, I have talked to countless units
about their history and lineage and reflected on their unit pride and esprit de
corps… the pride of being part of something bigger than themselves… knowing they wear the same patch… the same crest… that links them to great warriors from World War II, Korea or Vietnam… Soldiers who fought valiantly and honorably and some who never returned.

BUT….

NEVER before have I had the distinct and immense honor I have tonight…. The opportunity to address the Soldiers, the Paratroopers, who actually made their history… the men and women who fought the battles! Being here tonight is very different. I’m not here to talk about Warriors of previous conflicts – to reflect on their bravery and heroic deeds… NO – tonight it’s all about YOU!

All too often we do our duty and then fade back into obscurity… never
asking for accolades or even thanks… well… you deserve the accolades for your efforts and you and your families deserve the thanks for your sacrifices… for the "Spartans of TF 300” just wrote the next chapter in the history of the 82nd Airborne Division! In that next chapter, they will talk about how over thirty percent of this squadron of 442 Paratroopers received valorous awards and another sixty percent achievement awards for actions in the combat zone… how over twenty-five percent of the squadron was killed or wounded in combat and of the eighty Humvees that were in the squadron, over thirty five percent were
catastrophic losses with many others damaged. AMAZING statistics by any
standard.

Your accomplishments over this last deployment have been incredible…
almost unbelievable.

When you entered Diyala Province the enemy had a strong hold and safe
haven… a place where they could operate at will and prepare for operations in
other areas of Iraq. Immediately upon arrival Headhunter 6 devised a plan to
take the fight to the enemy… and that’s just what you did! An old adage goes “it
is better to have an army of deer led by a lion than to have an army of lions led
by a deer.” That adage never accounted for the Headhunters. You all are The
Spartans of TF 300, a legion of lions led by a lion!

Your plan, while simple, was extremely effective and now that plan has
become a standard for operations in other areas of Iraq.

You conducted three major campaigns during your fifteen month
deployment. During these campaigns you stemmed the flow of insurgents and
Insurgent technology from Iran. You established a trained and effective Iraqi
Border Patrol. During the Turki Campaign you identified and destroyed insurgent
safe havens and training camps which were responsible for IED Construction
and training, marksmanship training and ideological indoctrination. And in the
process you killed over 300 insurgents and captured another 100. During the
Diyala River Campaign you were asked to stretch your unit even further and
moved the “Spartans of TF 300” westward to Baqubah where you rooted out
more al Qaeda – killing over 300 insurgents and detaining countless others.
YOUR actions… YOUR success saved countless lives and literally changed the
situation in Diyala Province. What the Division intended to be an economy of
force operation – you turned into major campaigns… We’ll all need to remember
that next time we ask the Headhunters to go do something!

And your success was not only in combat operations… You fostered
relationships with the Iraqis that led to their trust… a trust that resulted in the

citizens and tribal leaders working with Coalition Forces for the first time in two
years…providing important information on insurgent activities and caches.

Bottom line: you were the smallest unit in the brigade. You were spread
the thinnest. You sustained the greatest number of casualties and you were able
to hold the most ground and accomplish more than any other unit in MND (N). I
guess good things really do come in small packages! Diyala and all of Iraq are
safer today because of your efforts over the last fifteen months.

But we all realize that it was done by Paratroopers who made incredible
sacrifices and showed enormous bravery. (Aside) When I read the reports on
the actions of the Paratroopers who will receive Silver Stars tonight I was totally
amazed. These stories read like something out of a Hollywood script… A young
specialist firing the .50 cal while his buddy in the vehicle applies a pressure
dressing to his shattered wrist…. and then he dismounts multiple times to
resupply his weapon; a medic, with total disregard for his own safety and without
orders moves more than 100 feet in the open under intense fire to save another
Paratrooper’s life while bullets whizz by and even strike his body armor and aid
bag. These are just a few of the stories of bravery that highlight the character
you all possess. I recently exchanged e-mails with Time Magazine’s Mark Kukis
who embedded with you along with his cameraman Yuri. Yuri said they saw your
character immediately. He said they quickly realized that you were different than
other units they had covered. He stated that you were the best they had ever
seen… when you realize that Yuri has lived in combat zones for over fifteen
years, covering everyone from the Chechen Rebels to sister service units, that is
an amazing testament to you all. They sensed… and I quote “a healthy
underlying aggression tempered by professionalism and thoughtfulness.”… or
the translation of this is… Some kick ass Paratroopers who could turn it on
when required!!

We will never forget and will always honor the sacrifices made by your
brothers in arms…. Paratroopers who gave the last full measure of devotion to
their Nation… and to you.

I want to assure you tonight that their sacrifices were not in vain. I know
that over time, history will record their actions and your operations in Diyala as
one of the great success stories in OIF. We already are seeing the results of
your commitment and sacrifices.

You all are the one’s who achieved this greatness – you all are the ones
who were in the arena and deserve the credit.

Teddy Roosevelt years ago talked about the man in the arena….. He said….

“The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is
marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly… who spends himself
in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high
achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly,
so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know
victory nor defeat.”

Well let me tell you… it is you… the fearless Spartans of TF 300… who
have been in the arena…. That we will remember… Your faces are the ones that
are marred with sand… sweat…. and blood. You have spent yourself in that
worthy cause and you know the triumph of high achievement. Ten years from
now… when a new Paratrooper reports to the Headhunters his leadership will
pull him aside and say… “Son, let me tell you what this unit is all about” and he
will tell stories similar to what you have heard about Normandy and Sicily… But
ten years from now…he will tell the story of the Headhunters who fought in the
Turki Bowl Campaign and the Diyala River Campaign in Iraq in 2006 and 2007,
he will talk of heroic deeds and incredible sacrifices – he will talk about you!

Thanks so much… for allowing Stephanie and me to share this evening
with you – you and your families are amazing – and we are thrilled to be here
with you!

AIRBORNE!!

God Bless you all!

[MikeF]

what I took everyone through was what the native americans call a sweat. we now call it medication and therapy...Every society has done this for their warriors...Every society except us....It is how you let go and release...

in reality, we learned all we needed to know in sunday school and kindergarden...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZUx_3BJR-Y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZj6QXm4hp4

Be good to each other. I've said what I needed to say...