Council New Members Examination

[SWJED]

As we seem to be in a growing spurt period and don't have all the time we once did to get to know more about new members it has been decided that effective 1 June all new joins will be required to pass (80%) the attached subjective examination.

There will be a 30-day probationary period for completion.

Current members will also be required to pass this exam but with a standard of 70% to maintain current membership status at the Council.

[Tom Odom]

As we seem to be in a growing spurt period and don't have all the time we once did to get to know more about new members it has been decided that effective 1 June all new joins will be required to pass (80%) the attached subjective examination.

There will be a 30-day probationary period for completion.

Current members will also be required to pass this examine but with a standard of 70% to maintain current membership status at the Council.

given I watched Evan Almighty last evening, this test is probably too easy

Question 1: HISTORY

Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present, concentrating especially, but not exclusively on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

Old guy, pointed hat, establishes exclusive male only club with an associated sorority. Branch clubs spread rapidly. Old guy club becomes a state.

Question 2. MEDICINE
You have been provided a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Drink Scotch. Cut examiner's throat. Use gauze to clean blade for reuse (could be another examiner)

Question 3. PUBLIC SPEAKING
2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancientlanguage except Latin or Greek.

Give them the examiner's body from question 2.

Question 4. BIOLOGY
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

Boink if your a guy. Get boinked if you are a gal. If gay, you are S#$* out of luck. Watch Idiocracy and Caveman back to back and synthesize.

Question 5. MUSIC
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat

Play chop sticks and use a foot pedal bass drum while getting a .... job.

Question 6. PSYCHOLOGY
Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicaea, and Hammurabi. Support your thesis with quotations from each man’s work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

More old guys with incomplete memoirs. Ramses II designed a great condom. Pass question to WM; he likes old guys.

Question 7. SOCIOLOGY
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Watch Idiocracy again and go visit a tata bar....

Question 8. ENGINEERING
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in your desk. You will also find an instruction manual printed in Swahili. In three minutes, a hungry Bengal Tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Who needs a manual, Marine? Tigers are pussies..

Question 9. ECONOMICS
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national dept. Trace the effects of your plan on the following areas: cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method forpreventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out thedeficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated by your answer to the last question.

Sign the government to a debt counseling and elimination service and float the note with OPEC. Default on said note.

Question 10. POLITICAL SCIENCE
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

Pick up phone. Call Iran and Israel. Initiate 3-way phone sex.

Question 11. EPISTEMOLOGY
Take a stand for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

Trust me. I am lying and you can't prove it.

Question 12. PHYSICS
Explain the nature of matter.

Italian English as in "Whatsa matter?"

Question 13. PHILOSOPHY
Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

We think. They don't.

Question 14. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

The General is generally ignorant and does not know it.

[John T. Fishel]

1. "I saw Peter, Paul, and Moses playing Ring Around the Roses, and I'll whup the guy that says it isn't so!"
2. Ouch!
3. Yiskadol, yiskadash, sh'me rebot - the Kadish or Hebrew prayer for the dead.
4. Takes 9 months - 11 for horses!
5. What, I can't use my wife's Steinway Concert Grand!
6. "It was clear as mud but it covered de ground. Confusion made me brain go round. So, I grabbed a ship and went abroad; in Baden-Baden saw Sigmund Freud." (Belafonte)
7. "What, me worry?" (Alfred E. Newman)
8. Who needs a manual anyway? I've qualified on every weapon known to man - or beast!
9. Just print more money - or, "And the money came rolling in - and out."
(Evita)
10. "No boom today, boom tomorrow." (Ivanova)
11. There I was, this is no s__t! or Once upon a time...
12. If I hit it with my fist, it hurts!
13. To be is to do - Aristotle; To do is to be - Descates; Do be do be do - Sinatra.
14. Duh!

[Umar Al-Mokhtār]

1. Pap smears were originally started for purposes best left out of this forum. The Pap smears’ social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa is yet to be determined but does successfully employ OB/GYNs.

2. Consumed Scotch. Used razor to cut Appendix A out of National Security Strategy. Didn’t need gauze.

3. I believe Sarin-gas is an ancient language, so I’d use it.

4. Created life on three separate occasions. 500 million years of evolution didn’t do much for any of them and its probable effect on the English parliamentary system is nil. “Prove your thesis”: I’ll introduce you to them.

5. Well, this one time, in band camp…

6. Alexander of Aphrodisias: “Hey Honey, I’ve got something for you, it’s a new elixir I just whipped up.”
Ramses II “I told you Forex, to stay out of the women’s quarters. Whatever can I do?”
Gregory of Nicaea: “Damn writers strike!”
Hammurabi: “It’s not like it’s written in stone or anything.”

7. Lack of good single malt Scotch.

8. In two minutes I ask one of my colleagues to go see who’s at the door.

9. I win the lottery, move to Caribbean, thus no longer worry about the National debt.

10. Can I make the call at 3 a.m.?

11. Truth is merely an illusion foisted on us by the Supreme Directorate for Truth.

12. Does nature matter?

13. Humans think up some weird ####e. So it places them in a category of their own.

14. General’s have one, two, three, or four stars (rarely five) and their knowledge is often inversely proportionate to the number of stars.

[Stan]

1. It was October 16th, 1978 when Cardinal Felici stepped onto his balcony and announced the first Polish Pope… This may have changed history and its effect on American Folklore forever – Polack Jokes

2. This scenario does not apply to Army folks. Tell the Marine that he/she needs a bowel movement or pass gas, then reward the Army dude with the scotch.

3. Kasuba awa te

4. Darling, I’ll marry you in the morning.

5. Why don't viola players suffer from piles? Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.

6. It's better to have unstable emotions to get rid of bad moods faster.

7. Travel to foreign lands, meet strange and exotic people, and teach them how to lay mines.

8. Bad News - Tigers are like Sergeants in the Army; they both wear stripes.

9. Put up or shut up. No more political campaigns ever.

10. Bureaucracy, American Style
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

11. I believed in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.

12. SIERRA - it happens without people thinking about whether they want it or not.

13. A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

14. All polar bears are left-handed.

[MattC86]

. . . for those about to take the test, the one not to get wrong is #2. . . need a major cleanup.

[Norfolk]

Question #2 is obviously a Pass/Fail grade. Hmmm...

Is there some way to get a medical waiver on this, or do I still have to go through with Question 2 first?

[RTK]

1. Peter started the craze, then Catholicism spread all over the globe with smallpox.

2. Can someone inspect my work. I don't drink so I have a full bottle of scotch for you. Better hurry, I'm gonna pass out any minute.

3. Let me pull out my Army issued phraselator and program in "Riot-crazed Aborigine."

4. I have two examples. The 6 year old female who cannot be silenced would have turned all the world into an overtly matriarchical society. spend 3 minutes with her for proof.

5. My concerto turned out to be a Opus. I took penicillin for it. It got better.

6.
Alexander of Aphrodisias - Work: Prior Analytics - A precursor to Dyanetics by L. Ron Hubbard. Issue: Gave birth to such nutjobs as Tom Cruise

Ramses II - Work: Thought he was a god, he let Moses' people go. Issue: None. Got to be played by Yul Brenner, a man who was in a commercial on the dangers of cigarettes after he died. Fairly godlike in that respect, so everything came full circle.

Gregory of Nicaea - Work: One of the four Eastern Doctors of the Church. Issue: Couldn't be a doctor in the west.

Hammurabi - Work: The Code Issue: No one knew what the code was as they had not bought enough boxes of Rice Krispies and therefor did not have the requisite number of box tops to get the special decoder ring.

7. The fact the Kardashians have their own show. Nuff said.

8. No self respecting Soldier, Marine, or other with a high powered rifle needs an instruction manual. The Tiger gets creamed in 3 mikes.

9. Four Words: Squadron Command Financial NCO.

10. First, call the Germans and tell them the French want them back. Tell the Russians the Afghans quit and are waiting for them to reoccupy. Tell the Chinese that the Japanese think Yao Ming sucks. And finish it off by telling Latinos they can no longer play shortstop or second base in major League Baseball.

11. Two half truths make a full truth.

12. Four seasons. Two are temperate, one is hot, one is cold. It doesn't matter which is which.

13. I went to the doctor, he told me I had cancer and I asked him if I could get a second opinion. Then the bastard told me I was ugly too.

14. "I have no knowledge or recollection of that, Senator." - A General

[Entropy]

The answer to every single question is "blue."

Oh wait, this isn't my philosophy test?

[selil]

42






and a few more.

[Ken White]

I got 41. Howsomeever, since you're a math user and my math's pathetic, I'm sure you're right -- I'll go with 42 also.

P.S

Test Proctor, Could I get some more gauze? Got a small problem here...

[Norfolk]

Anybody here know how to tie an artery? I think I slipped and knicked something vital here, and...oohhhh, I'm...ah...k-i-n-d-a-f-e-el-i-n-g-a-l-i-t-t-l-e-l-i-g-h-t-a-n-d-f-u-n-k-y-r-i-g-h-t-n-o-o-w-w-[thud].

[Adam L]

42

But what is the question? LOL!

Adam L

[Ron Humphrey]

As a matter of fact its exactly the same, a bunch of questions I should know the answer to but, I don---

Ahhem ,As this particular test can be easily seen to be skewed towards those of the older persuasion, I hereby refuse to take it.

However if it truly is mandatory then I shall proceed along the same lines that my time honored schooling traditions have taught me

1- c
2- c
3- c
4- c
5- c
6- a
7- b
8- c
9- c
10- c
11- c
12- b
13- a
14- d

Now I'd appreciate it if you'd get off my back about it.

Anybody got any of their scotch left, This has been too stressful for me

[SteveMetz]

Gee--when I was undergoing my new member examination, the administrators said, "You're going to feel a little pressure."

[TT]

1 The papacy got constantly richer at the expense of everyone else (Having now finished question 2, I would like to alter my answer – the papacy had nothing to do with the creation of single malt, so it is self evident that it has had no truly important impact).

2 Appendix removed years ago, like my beard so throw away razor, am enjoying the single malt.

(PS taking test now seen in much better light)

3 Alright, alright…. you can have some of my single malt. But only a very wee bit, as I need it for the rest of this exam.

4 If the new life form fails to develop the intelligence to create single malt, there would be no affect on the British parliamentarian system. Heck, for that matter, what is the point of a new life form incapable of distilling single malt?

5 My piano has been drinking! I think it stole my single malt! But I have an axe and will get single malt back….

6 They all lacked single malt. ‘Nuff said.

7. The experiment has been in progress for millennia – no idea when experiment will finish but a passing grade for Q 10 would mean final research findings forthcoming soon. ‘Til then I am enjoying my single malt.

8 Leave the room in under two minutes and go back to sipping that single malt – I ain’t sharing my single malt with any tiger!

9 Invest in single malt distilleries. Build new ones – lots of new ones. Everywhere. Don’t drink up too, too much of the profits.

10 Tell various leaders that one of the others has launched a preemptive attack that destroyed all the single malt distilleries and stockpiles in the world. Don’t tell them about my single malt stash.

11 No such thing as “Truth' , especially in politics. Just listen to any politician. Oh, oh, the single malt is almost gone.

12 Of course matter matters. Two words – single malt. And if that does not persuade you, just step in front of a very fast moving bus……you are strongly advised to have a last taste of single malt before you do, though.

13. Human thought has developed???? No way! Now stop asking silly questions and let me get back to enjoying my single malt.

14 Damn. I was laughing so hard I spluttered out the last of that single malt. Can I take the test again, starting with Q 2?

[wm]

1. Ask the Pope. He's infallible.
2. Ask the Pope. He's infallible.
3. Ask the Pope. He's infallible.
4. Ask the Pope. He's infallible. (Alternatively, to get a working level opinion, ask Ken. He was there for the first effort.)
5. Ask the Pope. He's infallible.
6. Ask the Pope. He's infallible.
7. Ask the Pope. He's infallible.
8. Ask the Pope. He's infallible.
9. Ask the Pope. He's infallible.
10. Ask the Pope. He's infallible.
11. Ask the Pope. He's infallible.
12. Ask the Pope. He's infallible.
13. Ask the Pope. He's infallible.
14. Ask any General. They're infallible.

[Ken White]

is ancient and will not be denied...

Except for parliamentarians and other legislative types who seem to love swimming in primal ooze.

I've been reliably informed that his Infallibleness agrees. So let it be written, so let it be said...

[M.A.H.]

What type of drum?

FYI it is always 11.

[SGTMILLS]

1. The papal paul passed punctual presents and perceived present
predicaments.
2. Glenlevit is fine, but my appendix is already gone.
3. I only speak one language....bang bang. you stop whining.
4. The creation of life is equal to the saving of life, but some of the people
I have saved probably didn't deserve to be saved (natural selection) which
proves that the English parlimentary system is faulted.
5. No piano, must use rear brown trombone. i wrote a concerto, but it
stinks.
6. Alpha, Theta, Gnu.
7. Not enough beer or ammunition. must start making both.
8. Done, blindfolded, and behind the back. (in under 30 seconds)
9. Use domestic oil, whilst returning our labor force to building our own
products. cubism: the returns are three fold.
Donatist Controversy: using local assets continues to improve our own self
worth.
10. "Hello, Vladimir? Yeah, Ahmadinejad said you couldn't buy your way
out of Georgia"
11. The truth is out there...prove me wrong...
12. If you don't mind, it don't matter. (not my quote)
13. Thought "a" enters male mind. male sees picture of bikini model. where
were we?
14. "Every plan changes once you get hit in the face." (again, not my quote)
14.