Good paper (text format is fine), it makes sense and squares with some of my observations and experiences.
Three Up: I appreciated the use of vignettes, that you care about your community, and that you are using your military skills to move our country forward.
Three Down: I wonder about the funding stability/sustainability of your proposal..does the Mayor's office have the tax base for this? Do you have a business plan, metrics, and cost/benefit analysis (cost estimate for the proposed staffing)? The Sweat Equity/Community Buy In Plan could be further reinforced.
Possible assists:
Are you fully leveraging what your local public health office, juvenile detention center, community college/university, and police bring to the table in terms of funded services, grant-writing capabilities, networks, and neighborhood knowledge? Is the local community college/university interested in producing supporting GIS maps for your project as a semester project?
Here is a marketing analysis methodology and USAID Value Chain Analysis methodology which may be of assistance with your ASCOPE analysis.
You might consider getting a legal analysis/review of your project from the JAG: Posse Comitatus Act